Final Thoughts

.

The last time I wrote to you all, we were in the midst of unpacking and wondering why we'd returned. Much of that process is finished now. That is, we've finished unpacking and working on our apartment - the corresponding sense of confusion lingers.
.

I've started my classes! On the list include a Seminar on Crisis Management in Complex Emergencies; International Organizations; International Humanitarian Policy and Public Health, and; Conflict Resolution Theory. In between, I've got career development seminars, independent language training in Turkish (and probably German later on), and; formal mediation training.

.

Neither of us have had much time for reflection. Ben has started working again. I'm in class and studying.

.

Sometimes when I am walking to school, listening to music in our apartment, people watching, or waiting to fall asleep at night, I'm overwhelmed by memories. I remember that I've just returned from an amazing series of experiences, I think about all the people I met, places I visited, feelings of discomfort I grew accustomed to, or attitudes and expectations I found myself adopting or questioning. In those moments, I feel lonely and wish I was back in one of those places writing a blog to all of you.

.

I thought I would have something meaningful to write in my last entry here. Instead, I'm just wishing I had an excuse to keep posting.

.

Closing thoughts on making life abroad work. Go with minimal expectations. Wake up everyday determined to make the most of it. Accept that you won't like everything that you encounter. Remember that you could probably find a version of everything you don't like in your new country, in a place you're intimately familiar with - your own. Remember that people don't operate in a vacuum. If you have a negative experience, there's probably a meaningful explanation behind it. That said, sometimes things are profoundly negative. I guess, just try to remember that it's all part of the package. Finally, be flexible. Don't ask too much of yourself. Know that you will encounter lots of aspects of your personality that are difficult and counterproductive. That's the way it goes. Most importantly, remember to take it all in. Don't get so lost in the process of getting by that you forget to latch on to the good stuff.

.

This is likely to be my last blog post. I'm sad to write that. I'm happy to answer any questions, anytime, in the future. Email me: e.brensinger@gmail.com. That written, if you wish for me to carry on blogging, let me know. Perhaps I'll start another blog, this time on a broader range of world events.

.

Best to you all. Especially those covert readers. Your interest kept me going.

.

-EB

Reassembly

Cultural immersion. That's what we signed up for upon returning to the U.S. Within 48 hours of returning, we'd met our new landlords, rented a U-Haul, moved everything out of storage and into our apartment, and signed the purchase contract on a new car.

Naturally, the first few days of being back were satisfying. Too tired and preoccupied to think about much of anything, we focused on getting ourselves moved, again.

Our little American bubble happily accommodated us until Sunday morning, when we found ourselves in a ridiculous argument while trying to stuff an over-sized box into our rental car. Later, we both confessed that we'd each woken up that morning and realized that we didn't actually want to be back.

Frustration and sadness were somewhat mitigated by a massive family event later on that afternoon.

Monday, we finally buckled down and began painting and fixing up our new apartment. The rent is cheap and the landlords couldn't be more accommodating, but the place needs a lot of work. Normally fix-it projects are pleasurable, but this time around there is an ample sense of desperation on both our parts; completion of this tiresome transitional stage is hugely desirable. We can't sleep in our apartment yet - something I am indescribably anxious to do.

Independence. We've traded in the sense of challenge and excitement that inevitably came from living in Turkey for it.

The new car took me back to NH this evening. Fantastic. Phenomenally exciting. I forgot how thrilling it is to drive myself about - most notably at high speeds. Not that I have a lead foot or anything.

Ben is away, rowing a canoe, celebrating the upcoming marriage of our good friends. Strange to be separated after so many months of having little other than each other's company.

Things I'm really struggling with: friendliness; openness; conversation; pleasantries; eye contact. I think all those months living under the watchful and frequently unabashedly chauvinistic eyes of men has left me bitter, cold, and suspicious. I almost yelled at someone today - a checkout guy at Home Depot who couldn't handle the serious look on my face as I checked out. He made a host of comments and assumptions he'd never make if I was a guy and I left fuming and almost frustrated that the language barrier was down. THERE ARE SO MANY SHI#!Y THINGS YOU GET TO MISS WHEN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING. Of course, there's a positive way to look at that too, but I'm so depressed that I can't swallow it.

The news here really stinks. No wonder Americans are so hated abroad. Ignorance. We have so much influence over what happens in the world, but 99.9% of us float around between work, families, shopping, mowing lawns, driving cars, eating fast food, and never pay attention to any of it.

TV is shocking. Nasty entertainment shows, celebrity talk shows, celebrity interviews, every other channel is about sex or violence. Not entirely unique to the U.S., but it's so much more disturbing when I can completely understand what people are saying.

It's very strange to feel so at home somewhere and yet so uncomfortable.

I'm having a hard time reintegrating with friends. I owe so many phone calls and emails, visits too, and yet I can't think about it. I'm not ready.

I keep thinking that once I'm unpacked and living in MA it will all make more sense and feel right. I hope it's true because my brain is tired and a huge part of me is completely ready to go back.

-EB

You'd think I'd have something important to say on my last day in Turkey. Instead, I'm full of relative silence.

I'm looking forward to the ease of life in the US. With no communication barriers and lots of familiarity, the thought of returning tomorrow is both comforting and exciting.

Nevertheless, I feel sad and unprepared to leave.

We spent the day in a race familiar only to anal retentive people - who can clean out the cabinets and finish packing the fastest and neatest?

I found myself washing dishes at the sink with minimal thoughts and a sense of loneliness and depression. I cried on the bus coming back to Istanbul on Sunday. I'm sure I will tonight, tomorrow, and the day after too.

I think that the things that make me good at adapting to new cultures and moving abroad, also make me a strange person. I like everywhere. As long as you're nice and honest, I'll like you too. I get used to things quickly. It makes me adaptable and yet strangely able to leave as quickly as I came. I know I'll always find something, somewhere else that I'll like just as much - just for different reasons.

I think it will be a while before I have much else to write.

I will add that I love this place and think I probably couldn't have picked a more interesting and generally impressive place to spend nine months making a new life.

I'll keep the blog up for a while after we return; I think in a few days and even weeks there will be much more to write.

Thanks to all the amazing people I met while I was here.

-EB

Pic: Our balcony this afternoon.